Day 4 - Expectation
Expectation: A strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1
My paraphrase: Now faith is expectation.
The whole truth: I've been dreading writing this blog - or anything - on faith. Faith has been such a struggle for me over the last two and a half+ years and sharing about it makes me feel either sick or hypocritical most days, depending on what I'm actually saying. I knew I could dodge and write something else around expectation, but that wouldn't be doing the hard stuff that is growth and that's what I'm after this year, so no easy way out for me today.
It is an understatement to say that my expectation (and my faith) has been shattered over the past 2.5+ years. Actually it goes back even further than that; the beginning of the breaking happened in 2011, when I decided in my heart that I had to say "no" to medical school, even though my head was screaming that it was a terrible decision. I began to question God - His goodness, His plan, His relationship with me, even His very existence. I came out of that season in a strange way, the free, unconditional love of my husband and the love of a dear friend, coupled with her wisdom and understanding, saved me from taking a hard turn off the path I had tread for so long following Jesus.
Things went ok for a little while and I even felt like I had a little clarity about why God might have let me experience all the pain and loss and hardship of preparing for medical school as I saw two lives He profoundly touched through me in ways that would have been impossible without the blood, sweat, and tears I had poured into training for medical school. That was the first time I understood - and intimately experienced - the great lengths God would go to in order to initiate a relationship with a person. He would literally wreck my life so that His love could pour from my life into theirs. It was an extraordinarily painful lesson, but it humbled me and changed me (and my love for people and for God) in deeply profound ways.
Then, all of a sudden, my world was turned upside down again. I was accepted to the University of Cambridge totally unexpectedly and my hopes soared - maybe I was really meant for great things! Maybe I wouldn't be trapped forever in a life that seemed like it wasn't really going anywhere! And then I found myself in another holding pattern, waiting for scholarships that never seemed to come and looking down the barrel of the impossible. I was so angry. How could you do this to me, God?!? How could you be so cruel as to wave this in my face and then not provide a way for us to actually go? And at a summer camp (where I was, ironically, a counselor), He broke me once again and showed me what was in my heart and the changes that absolutely had to take place. (He did end up providing miraculously above and beyond what we could have imagined and we did go to Cambridge). I was again humbled and changed.
And things went ok for a little while and I even felt like I had a little clarity.... you know. And then we decided we were ready to start a family. I knew it might not happen right away, but I fantasized: What if we got pregnant then and were able to tell our family/families when they came to visit us in Europe? What if we got to tell our child they were conceived in one of the most beautiful cities on Earth? What if? What if? What if? I had so many expectations and so much hope and so much joy. And once again, I was shattered. Eight months went by and the doctors said, "well, you know, it can take up to a year for normal couples to get pregnant." Then it was more than a year and the doctors did tests and more tests and prescribed and talked and talked and talked. And for two more excruciating years we waited and expected and hoped - and were disappointed and shattered again and again and again.
Last month was three years of excruciating pain; the completion of thirty-six cycles of decimated expectations. But tonight, I was reminded in the strangest way how God goes after the one; how He loves so enormously and passionately and fiercely that He would wreck my life to save someone else's - and as I talked about those lessons from all those years ago and just a few years ago and a few months ago and last week and yesterday, I remembered something. God hasn't just wrecked my life to save someone else's, although His passionate, amazing love does just that - He will do absolutely ANYTHING to go after just one person that He loves - He also wrecked my life to save it.
Before medical school, I was consumed by my need to be seen as put together, accepted because of my obvious drive and accomplishments, affirmed because of my right-ness. He broke that when He broke me and then He rebuilt me in the experience of unconditional love.
Before Cambridge, I was mastered by my need to impress, my desire for control, and my propensity to lead where I should follow. He broke that when He broke me and then He rebuilt me in the experience of surrender and following someone else's lead.
Before infertility, I was held captive by fear, unable to understand and deal with emotion in a healthy way, and confident in my own ability to tough out life. He broke that in me when He broke me and now He is rebuilding me in the experience of a real, emotional, personal relationship with Him where I can be absolutely honest and authentic with Him and know beyond the shadow of a doubt that He doesn't back away no matter what I say or how I feel.
He isn't phased by ugly.
I don't always remember (perhaps I don't even often remember) all the life that has sprung from the many deaths I've been asked - and forced - to die in the last seven years. But as I spoke to my friend tonight, I spoke to my own soul as well. My faith (and expectations) based on my image, my control, my ambition, my righteousness, my plans, my accomplishments, my toughness - in short, my faith in me - has, thankfully, been shattered; but I have been rebuilt. And my prayer is that my faith is now in the One who has much better for me than I could ever expect.
Expectation: A strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1
My paraphrase: Now faith is expectation.
The whole truth: I've been dreading writing this blog - or anything - on faith. Faith has been such a struggle for me over the last two and a half+ years and sharing about it makes me feel either sick or hypocritical most days, depending on what I'm actually saying. I knew I could dodge and write something else around expectation, but that wouldn't be doing the hard stuff that is growth and that's what I'm after this year, so no easy way out for me today.
It is an understatement to say that my expectation (and my faith) has been shattered over the past 2.5+ years. Actually it goes back even further than that; the beginning of the breaking happened in 2011, when I decided in my heart that I had to say "no" to medical school, even though my head was screaming that it was a terrible decision. I began to question God - His goodness, His plan, His relationship with me, even His very existence. I came out of that season in a strange way, the free, unconditional love of my husband and the love of a dear friend, coupled with her wisdom and understanding, saved me from taking a hard turn off the path I had tread for so long following Jesus.
Things went ok for a little while and I even felt like I had a little clarity about why God might have let me experience all the pain and loss and hardship of preparing for medical school as I saw two lives He profoundly touched through me in ways that would have been impossible without the blood, sweat, and tears I had poured into training for medical school. That was the first time I understood - and intimately experienced - the great lengths God would go to in order to initiate a relationship with a person. He would literally wreck my life so that His love could pour from my life into theirs. It was an extraordinarily painful lesson, but it humbled me and changed me (and my love for people and for God) in deeply profound ways.
Then, all of a sudden, my world was turned upside down again. I was accepted to the University of Cambridge totally unexpectedly and my hopes soared - maybe I was really meant for great things! Maybe I wouldn't be trapped forever in a life that seemed like it wasn't really going anywhere! And then I found myself in another holding pattern, waiting for scholarships that never seemed to come and looking down the barrel of the impossible. I was so angry. How could you do this to me, God?!? How could you be so cruel as to wave this in my face and then not provide a way for us to actually go? And at a summer camp (where I was, ironically, a counselor), He broke me once again and showed me what was in my heart and the changes that absolutely had to take place. (He did end up providing miraculously above and beyond what we could have imagined and we did go to Cambridge). I was again humbled and changed.
And things went ok for a little while and I even felt like I had a little clarity.... you know. And then we decided we were ready to start a family. I knew it might not happen right away, but I fantasized: What if we got pregnant then and were able to tell our family/families when they came to visit us in Europe? What if we got to tell our child they were conceived in one of the most beautiful cities on Earth? What if? What if? What if? I had so many expectations and so much hope and so much joy. And once again, I was shattered. Eight months went by and the doctors said, "well, you know, it can take up to a year for normal couples to get pregnant." Then it was more than a year and the doctors did tests and more tests and prescribed and talked and talked and talked. And for two more excruciating years we waited and expected and hoped - and were disappointed and shattered again and again and again.
Last month was three years of excruciating pain; the completion of thirty-six cycles of decimated expectations. But tonight, I was reminded in the strangest way how God goes after the one; how He loves so enormously and passionately and fiercely that He would wreck my life to save someone else's - and as I talked about those lessons from all those years ago and just a few years ago and a few months ago and last week and yesterday, I remembered something. God hasn't just wrecked my life to save someone else's, although His passionate, amazing love does just that - He will do absolutely ANYTHING to go after just one person that He loves - He also wrecked my life to save it.
Before medical school, I was consumed by my need to be seen as put together, accepted because of my obvious drive and accomplishments, affirmed because of my right-ness. He broke that when He broke me and then He rebuilt me in the experience of unconditional love.
Before Cambridge, I was mastered by my need to impress, my desire for control, and my propensity to lead where I should follow. He broke that when He broke me and then He rebuilt me in the experience of surrender and following someone else's lead.
Before infertility, I was held captive by fear, unable to understand and deal with emotion in a healthy way, and confident in my own ability to tough out life. He broke that in me when He broke me and now He is rebuilding me in the experience of a real, emotional, personal relationship with Him where I can be absolutely honest and authentic with Him and know beyond the shadow of a doubt that He doesn't back away no matter what I say or how I feel.
He isn't phased by ugly.
I don't always remember (perhaps I don't even often remember) all the life that has sprung from the many deaths I've been asked - and forced - to die in the last seven years. But as I spoke to my friend tonight, I spoke to my own soul as well. My faith (and expectations) based on my image, my control, my ambition, my righteousness, my plans, my accomplishments, my toughness - in short, my faith in me - has, thankfully, been shattered; but I have been rebuilt. And my prayer is that my faith is now in the One who has much better for me than I could ever expect.
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