Friends and family,
I am writing in hopes of testifying to the love and faithfulness of our GOD, and in hopes that I will not have to explain this difficult decision more times than is absolutely necessary.
But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong.
1 Corinthians 1:27
On Monday, Aug. 1, I attended the first day of VCOM’s orientation (aka the first day of medical school). While sitting in the session, I had a distinct and disturbing feeling best described by the question, “What am I doing here?” While I chewed out my psyche for such ridiculous questions, it was a feeling I was wholly unable to shake. That evening I came home and discussed the possibility of not fulfilling this 6-year-old plan with my dear husband, Josh. He was very supportive and held me, and a box of Kleenex, as I wrestled through this question of GOD’s best. He offered wisdom on both sides, but ultimately left the decision up to me.
We both thought it wise to seek counsel, so I spoke to my mother, sister, and our mentors, the McGlottens. I received many wise words, including an admonishment to be discerning and certify that these feelings were not the basis for my decision, as well as to be aware that the enemy was lurking about and must be guarded against. What helped immensely in my decision making process was my distinct understanding that I had a lack of peace about entering med school (a poor condition in which to embark on a 7-year journey that is well-known for testing the mettle of even the most brilliant student). Ultimately, I decided to return on Tuesday for orientation, requesting that the Holy SPIRIT testify with my spirit as to what I should do.
So I did. I went back to orientation on Tuesday. I must admit I felt as though I was having a hard time clearing myself to listen because my emotions, thoughts, and spirit felt… tumultuous to say the least. Nonetheless, Josh’s and my goal was to honor the LORD In our decision. One of the verses that HE wrote on my heart was
John 5:44: “How can you believe if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only GOD?”
Making the decision to continue with med school would have been easy in some ways: people I love deeply would have been pleased and proud of me, I would have an esteemed position in society, I would be financially secure (from a worldly perspective), there would be no “loss” of all the effort and years put into preparing to take this step. However, without the LORD leading me into this place, without the strength HE provides, and HIS peace that staying was the right decision, I could not go on. It was as if I had finally climbed the 550th stair, put my foot on the threshold, and the door had been shut in my face.
I will not pretend I was a good child and did this thing gladly. I will not act as though my “superior spirituality” made this decision undeniably obvious and therefore, simple to enact. No, I was the three-year-old that threw a tantrum on the floor, and when that didn’t work, I threw my head back and cried as though the world were ending. I will not say I rejoiced in GOD’s sovereignty and eagerly awaited the lessons I would learn in this decision. I will not claim the joy, love and thankfulness that ought to have filled my heart in response to a FATHER that would prick my spirit to keep me on the road HE marked out for me. I do not claim or declare any of these things because it would be an utter falsehood to describe myself as “lovable” in these moments.
And yet HE loved me.
And loves me still. Though I spent seven days wallowing in anxiety, anger, rebellion, and self-pity, HE loves me still. Not because I am lovable, but because HE is love, HE is faithful, and HE will not fail to complete the good works HE begins in us. Praise YAH for HIS GODness. That HE is unchanging, never-failing, righteous, merciful, and so enamored with HIS people that HE was willing to sacrifice HIS SON to reconcile us to HIMSELF.
And so, I prepared myself, sought the support of my husband, and returned to VCOM after orientation on Tuesday to rescind my seat for the class of 2015. I am no longer a medical student. This should not have been such a surprise for me I suppose. There was another period in my life when I thought I was hearing clearly that medical school was not HIS plan, but I chose to go my own way. The time was not wasted, for HE can redeem all things and HE has brought HIMSELF glory even from my disobedience. And now, by HIS grace and mercy, I am secure in the hands of my FATHER, and I am learning to trust in HIS unfailing love. Apparently HE has other plans for Josh and I. May HE get all the glory.
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:5-8
I am writing in hopes of testifying to the love and faithfulness of our GOD, and in hopes that I will not have to explain this difficult decision more times than is absolutely necessary.
But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong.
1 Corinthians 1:27
On Monday, Aug. 1, I attended the first day of VCOM’s orientation (aka the first day of medical school). While sitting in the session, I had a distinct and disturbing feeling best described by the question, “What am I doing here?” While I chewed out my psyche for such ridiculous questions, it was a feeling I was wholly unable to shake. That evening I came home and discussed the possibility of not fulfilling this 6-year-old plan with my dear husband, Josh. He was very supportive and held me, and a box of Kleenex, as I wrestled through this question of GOD’s best. He offered wisdom on both sides, but ultimately left the decision up to me.
We both thought it wise to seek counsel, so I spoke to my mother, sister, and our mentors, the McGlottens. I received many wise words, including an admonishment to be discerning and certify that these feelings were not the basis for my decision, as well as to be aware that the enemy was lurking about and must be guarded against. What helped immensely in my decision making process was my distinct understanding that I had a lack of peace about entering med school (a poor condition in which to embark on a 7-year journey that is well-known for testing the mettle of even the most brilliant student). Ultimately, I decided to return on Tuesday for orientation, requesting that the Holy SPIRIT testify with my spirit as to what I should do.
So I did. I went back to orientation on Tuesday. I must admit I felt as though I was having a hard time clearing myself to listen because my emotions, thoughts, and spirit felt… tumultuous to say the least. Nonetheless, Josh’s and my goal was to honor the LORD In our decision. One of the verses that HE wrote on my heart was
John 5:44: “How can you believe if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only GOD?”
Making the decision to continue with med school would have been easy in some ways: people I love deeply would have been pleased and proud of me, I would have an esteemed position in society, I would be financially secure (from a worldly perspective), there would be no “loss” of all the effort and years put into preparing to take this step. However, without the LORD leading me into this place, without the strength HE provides, and HIS peace that staying was the right decision, I could not go on. It was as if I had finally climbed the 550th stair, put my foot on the threshold, and the door had been shut in my face.
I will not pretend I was a good child and did this thing gladly. I will not act as though my “superior spirituality” made this decision undeniably obvious and therefore, simple to enact. No, I was the three-year-old that threw a tantrum on the floor, and when that didn’t work, I threw my head back and cried as though the world were ending. I will not say I rejoiced in GOD’s sovereignty and eagerly awaited the lessons I would learn in this decision. I will not claim the joy, love and thankfulness that ought to have filled my heart in response to a FATHER that would prick my spirit to keep me on the road HE marked out for me. I do not claim or declare any of these things because it would be an utter falsehood to describe myself as “lovable” in these moments.
And yet HE loved me.
And loves me still. Though I spent seven days wallowing in anxiety, anger, rebellion, and self-pity, HE loves me still. Not because I am lovable, but because HE is love, HE is faithful, and HE will not fail to complete the good works HE begins in us. Praise YAH for HIS GODness. That HE is unchanging, never-failing, righteous, merciful, and so enamored with HIS people that HE was willing to sacrifice HIS SON to reconcile us to HIMSELF.
And so, I prepared myself, sought the support of my husband, and returned to VCOM after orientation on Tuesday to rescind my seat for the class of 2015. I am no longer a medical student. This should not have been such a surprise for me I suppose. There was another period in my life when I thought I was hearing clearly that medical school was not HIS plan, but I chose to go my own way. The time was not wasted, for HE can redeem all things and HE has brought HIMSELF glory even from my disobedience. And now, by HIS grace and mercy, I am secure in the hands of my FATHER, and I am learning to trust in HIS unfailing love. Apparently HE has other plans for Josh and I. May HE get all the glory.
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:5-8
Comments
Post a Comment