Day 24 - types of friendships
It took me a long time to understand that not every friend is a friend for life, or perhaps even a best friend for life. I suppose I thought I was the Warren Buffet of friendships - if I was going to invest, it had better be a humdinger and if people were going to invest in me, by golly they were going to get their money's worth (so to speak). After a lot of heartbreak and angst, I finally began to understand that friendships morph, shift, and change like the colors of a kaleidoscope and there are myriad factors that contribute to the levels and seasons of friendship we enjoy.
For example, I have a dear friend I met in fifth grade who quickly became one of my closest friends. Even though I moved soon after meeting her, we stayed in touch - closely in touch at the beginning, but naturally fading as the years went by until, in college, we hadn't talked for some time. When I began to think about planning my wedding, she, perhaps surprisingly, popped to mind almost immediately as someone that I would like to be part of that day. I'd be lying if I said her amazing skills at the piano weren't part of that equation, but nonetheless, we reconnected and by a unique twist of fate, she played the processional and recessional for our ceremony and I ended up coordinating the reception for her wedding nearly a year later. Since then, we've been in touch on and off, but on deep matters of the heart, for the last six years.
In the midst of that process of reconnection(which is a lovely study in friendship itself), I met one of her dear friends and we became friends as well (I shall call her "friend #2" for clarity). I had the privilege of assisting at her wedding as well and thoroughly enjoyed our conversations and time spent together. Some time after her marriage, friend #2 moved across the state and our interactions became less frequent, though still fairly regular. However, as time wore on and I moved out of the country, back to the States, and then across the country, we largely lost touch.
I bring this portrait of friendship to bear because it beautifully illustrates personal growth in this arena with which I am very pleased. There was a time when people drifted out of my life for one reason or another that I took this seeming ambivalence as a slight. Obviously they hadn't even really been my friend in the first place if they weren't willing to make an effort to stay my friend. I'm not sure I was a super needy friend, that is, I didn't stalk anyone and then wonder why they didn't return my texts, letters, etc. I just questioned the whole of the relationship once it started to fade, which had a profound effect on my view of myself as well. If I couldn't hang on to any friends, what did that say about my value as a person?
Now, though, as I've lived longer and experienced more of life, I understand. It is impossible to have the depth of friendship you need to have good, healthy community if you maintain every friendship you build over the span of your whole life. Not only do friends come and go throughout life for one reason or another, but the "levels" of friendship may change. The one I bared my soul to in high school was not the one with whom I talked about matters of the heart in college. People change, friendships change, and they must be enjoyed as they are without fretting about their future state.
Now don't get me wrong, I think there is something absolutely beautiful about two people committing to one another for the long term, where both friends continue to make an effort to invest in the relationship to ensure its health over a long period of time. Also, recognizing that different seasons don't necessarily mean the death of a friendship, even if one party cannot invest the way he or she might like to for a time, when the other party can be gracious and patient is a noble and lovely investment. But I realize that in my acceptance of this fluid relational reality, I have probably offended people that I was once close with, or perhaps people graciously let me slip out of their life as I have let others slip out of mine. I'm grateful, now, to understand that not every friendship will be the soul-baring kind and not every friendship will last beyond its present season. But, that understanding also makes me cherish those friends that have and do make the effort to build and sustain a friendship that may well last a lifetime. For those friends, I am truly and deeply grateful.
It took me a long time to understand that not every friend is a friend for life, or perhaps even a best friend for life. I suppose I thought I was the Warren Buffet of friendships - if I was going to invest, it had better be a humdinger and if people were going to invest in me, by golly they were going to get their money's worth (so to speak). After a lot of heartbreak and angst, I finally began to understand that friendships morph, shift, and change like the colors of a kaleidoscope and there are myriad factors that contribute to the levels and seasons of friendship we enjoy.
For example, I have a dear friend I met in fifth grade who quickly became one of my closest friends. Even though I moved soon after meeting her, we stayed in touch - closely in touch at the beginning, but naturally fading as the years went by until, in college, we hadn't talked for some time. When I began to think about planning my wedding, she, perhaps surprisingly, popped to mind almost immediately as someone that I would like to be part of that day. I'd be lying if I said her amazing skills at the piano weren't part of that equation, but nonetheless, we reconnected and by a unique twist of fate, she played the processional and recessional for our ceremony and I ended up coordinating the reception for her wedding nearly a year later. Since then, we've been in touch on and off, but on deep matters of the heart, for the last six years.
In the midst of that process of reconnection(which is a lovely study in friendship itself), I met one of her dear friends and we became friends as well (I shall call her "friend #2" for clarity). I had the privilege of assisting at her wedding as well and thoroughly enjoyed our conversations and time spent together. Some time after her marriage, friend #2 moved across the state and our interactions became less frequent, though still fairly regular. However, as time wore on and I moved out of the country, back to the States, and then across the country, we largely lost touch.
I bring this portrait of friendship to bear because it beautifully illustrates personal growth in this arena with which I am very pleased. There was a time when people drifted out of my life for one reason or another that I took this seeming ambivalence as a slight. Obviously they hadn't even really been my friend in the first place if they weren't willing to make an effort to stay my friend. I'm not sure I was a super needy friend, that is, I didn't stalk anyone and then wonder why they didn't return my texts, letters, etc. I just questioned the whole of the relationship once it started to fade, which had a profound effect on my view of myself as well. If I couldn't hang on to any friends, what did that say about my value as a person?
Now, though, as I've lived longer and experienced more of life, I understand. It is impossible to have the depth of friendship you need to have good, healthy community if you maintain every friendship you build over the span of your whole life. Not only do friends come and go throughout life for one reason or another, but the "levels" of friendship may change. The one I bared my soul to in high school was not the one with whom I talked about matters of the heart in college. People change, friendships change, and they must be enjoyed as they are without fretting about their future state.
Now don't get me wrong, I think there is something absolutely beautiful about two people committing to one another for the long term, where both friends continue to make an effort to invest in the relationship to ensure its health over a long period of time. Also, recognizing that different seasons don't necessarily mean the death of a friendship, even if one party cannot invest the way he or she might like to for a time, when the other party can be gracious and patient is a noble and lovely investment. But I realize that in my acceptance of this fluid relational reality, I have probably offended people that I was once close with, or perhaps people graciously let me slip out of their life as I have let others slip out of mine. I'm grateful, now, to understand that not every friendship will be the soul-baring kind and not every friendship will last beyond its present season. But, that understanding also makes me cherish those friends that have and do make the effort to build and sustain a friendship that may well last a lifetime. For those friends, I am truly and deeply grateful.
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