A new creation. I've heard those words a thousand times. I've experienced their power over the last dozen years, but mostly gradually, with a few "growth spurts" here and there.
But then today happened.
I knew that Jesus had used Chi Alpha to change my life. I knew He reordered my steps according to His perfect plan when I felt the need to leave medical school. I knew He was working all things together for His glory and my good... but I complained through about 99% of it. Sometimes rather loudly on the kitchen floor with heels flailing (mostly figurative). But today, wow.
I don't know how to give you a real portrait of the change. A few of you may understand because you've been with me on this journey a little longer; some of you might have a hard time picturing the seismic shift.
12 years ago I was an angry tweener - angry at God, angry at my parents, certain that everything and everyone was against me. In July of 2002, I decided to "try" Jesus - little did I know that He would capture my heart unlike anything or anyone else ever has. But lest you think that my little cry sesh at summer camp ended in kittens and roses, let me tell you it was rocky two more years of learning that I was actually supposed to love my brother and treat him well, honor my parents, and work at things as if it was for God and not for other people. And then, as if that wasn't enough, I had to learn to love people outside my family that were really (I mean REALLY) different from me and resist all those famous temptations that come with secular college (and, let's be real, most Christian schools too) and the less talked about temptations, like not going to church to fellowship with other believers, not finding a mentor to pour into your life, letting your bible reading and your prayer (your actual connections with Jesus) slide. Well, He trained me on how to overcome those obstacles, but that still wasn't good enough. I had tried pretty hard to be invisible in high school for various reasons. I definitely started breaking out of that shell in the end of high school, but old habits die hard and I definitely wouldn't have called myself a social butterfly in college. I blamed my sit-and-study tendencies on my pre-med workload, but if the "now" me could look myself in the eye then and ask why I studied more than anything else, I'm not sure that the old me would know it was because of fear, but the now me could definitely tell you that was a big part of the equation.
So, my life in a nutshell - the woman behind the curtain, if you will. I had a revelation of my real self, the one God actually made me to be, early in 2012: I had auditioned for a part in The Diary of Anne Frank with a local Blacksburg theatre company. I received a small role playing Miep, the Dutch would-be-saviouress of the Frank family. This revelation was foregrounded by some training and TLC from my theatre professor senior year of college, who convinced me that anyone, even I, could act. But there, on that little stage in a small town elementary school, I found... something; something that made my heart dance, my eyes sparkle, and my soul rejoice.
Now, almost three years later, I found myself in a vastly overcrowded set of college rooms, with a bunch of terribly intelligent graduate students doing the kind of socializing I've only experienced in British universities. I certainly won't say I was the life of the party; i wasn't dancing on the pool table, I may have been one of the only people in the room that didn't have an alcoholic drink (or 5), but I felt relatively at ease. Relatively? And this is some groundbreaking experience?? Yes, in a room of 100 or more men and women who, by all appearances could be very intimidating (intellectually and otherwise), I felt quite capable of navigating the social scene. That also isn't to say I started out introducing myself and created conversation (so there is definitely room to grow) but I had some good questions, I listened, I made appropriate conversational contributions, I met people, I was invited to events later in the week, I was even extended a personal invitation that included my yet-to-arrive husband. And I didn't try to melt into a little puddle on the floor or excuse myself right at 10pm.
I don't know how to explain that only Jesus could have done this. Only He could have known the right ingredients and the right sequence, and the right amount of stirring, and sifting, and shaking that could make this little seed that was pretty determined to sit very quietly in the dark, safe, dirt start to peek out of the soil and spread its leaves. But here I am, Jesus is doing a big work in me.
So, be encouraged. You may feel small now; actually, you might not even know you feel small, but let Him teach you. He knows just what to do and just when to do it so that you turn out beautiful.
But then today happened.
I knew that Jesus had used Chi Alpha to change my life. I knew He reordered my steps according to His perfect plan when I felt the need to leave medical school. I knew He was working all things together for His glory and my good... but I complained through about 99% of it. Sometimes rather loudly on the kitchen floor with heels flailing (mostly figurative). But today, wow.
I don't know how to give you a real portrait of the change. A few of you may understand because you've been with me on this journey a little longer; some of you might have a hard time picturing the seismic shift.
12 years ago I was an angry tweener - angry at God, angry at my parents, certain that everything and everyone was against me. In July of 2002, I decided to "try" Jesus - little did I know that He would capture my heart unlike anything or anyone else ever has. But lest you think that my little cry sesh at summer camp ended in kittens and roses, let me tell you it was rocky two more years of learning that I was actually supposed to love my brother and treat him well, honor my parents, and work at things as if it was for God and not for other people. And then, as if that wasn't enough, I had to learn to love people outside my family that were really (I mean REALLY) different from me and resist all those famous temptations that come with secular college (and, let's be real, most Christian schools too) and the less talked about temptations, like not going to church to fellowship with other believers, not finding a mentor to pour into your life, letting your bible reading and your prayer (your actual connections with Jesus) slide. Well, He trained me on how to overcome those obstacles, but that still wasn't good enough. I had tried pretty hard to be invisible in high school for various reasons. I definitely started breaking out of that shell in the end of high school, but old habits die hard and I definitely wouldn't have called myself a social butterfly in college. I blamed my sit-and-study tendencies on my pre-med workload, but if the "now" me could look myself in the eye then and ask why I studied more than anything else, I'm not sure that the old me would know it was because of fear, but the now me could definitely tell you that was a big part of the equation.
So, my life in a nutshell - the woman behind the curtain, if you will. I had a revelation of my real self, the one God actually made me to be, early in 2012: I had auditioned for a part in The Diary of Anne Frank with a local Blacksburg theatre company. I received a small role playing Miep, the Dutch would-be-saviouress of the Frank family. This revelation was foregrounded by some training and TLC from my theatre professor senior year of college, who convinced me that anyone, even I, could act. But there, on that little stage in a small town elementary school, I found... something; something that made my heart dance, my eyes sparkle, and my soul rejoice.
Now, almost three years later, I found myself in a vastly overcrowded set of college rooms, with a bunch of terribly intelligent graduate students doing the kind of socializing I've only experienced in British universities. I certainly won't say I was the life of the party; i wasn't dancing on the pool table, I may have been one of the only people in the room that didn't have an alcoholic drink (or 5), but I felt relatively at ease. Relatively? And this is some groundbreaking experience?? Yes, in a room of 100 or more men and women who, by all appearances could be very intimidating (intellectually and otherwise), I felt quite capable of navigating the social scene. That also isn't to say I started out introducing myself and created conversation (so there is definitely room to grow) but I had some good questions, I listened, I made appropriate conversational contributions, I met people, I was invited to events later in the week, I was even extended a personal invitation that included my yet-to-arrive husband. And I didn't try to melt into a little puddle on the floor or excuse myself right at 10pm.
I don't know how to explain that only Jesus could have done this. Only He could have known the right ingredients and the right sequence, and the right amount of stirring, and sifting, and shaking that could make this little seed that was pretty determined to sit very quietly in the dark, safe, dirt start to peek out of the soil and spread its leaves. But here I am, Jesus is doing a big work in me.
So, be encouraged. You may feel small now; actually, you might not even know you feel small, but let Him teach you. He knows just what to do and just when to do it so that you turn out beautiful.
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